I have been absent for a while and for good reason. I’ve been in search of myself and exactly what I wanted to do. I’ve always done what I felt like I needed to do to live up to a certain expectation. Now how this certain standard or expectation was set is still unknown. I just remember having a plan for my life and setting goals along the way. This is how I saw the most successful people excel so of course I wanted to follow suit.
I had a timeline to get things done that was seemingly realistic so I wouldn’t get off track. Sounds good right? Well it would’ve been perfect had it actually been something I wanted to do. I wasted time working so hard towards something I had no real interest in. The sad part is I had convinced myself that this is what I wanted to do simply because I had been settling all along. I knew this wasn’t something I was passionate about, but I was content with the fact that I knew it was something I was good at. Make sense? I guess I found a sweet spot that wouldn’t appear to be too far fetched or challenging like my dreams but also not too degrading or beneath my actual potential to be a last resort.
I was at not so happy medium and trying to make it a “new found interest” of mine. I had done the research and new that it would be promising so I kicked it into full gear. I went back to school. I started an internship. I started joining organizations and listening to podcasts that were relative to the field. I did all of this and still struggled. I was not happy. I was on the path to success but setting myself up for failure. I was doing everything right but for the wrong reasons and I was not happy. I became depressed and I wasn’t understanding why. You can only convince others and lie to yourself for so long before the truth comes out. The truth is I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t passionate about it. This made it ten times harder to even respond to a class assignment. I was annoyed with having to read or write about it and I love to read and write. That one area of unhappiness began to affect every other area of my life and I had to change it.
I prayed and took time off to really evaluate what I wanted to do. It’s sad because I had to remember and think hard about what brought me joy. What was I most passionate about? For me it came down to writing. Once I accepted that I was going to write regardless of my fear of failure or lack of acceptance, I was able to be myself again. I’m taking things one day at a time and not rushing the process. Before I felt with success there was no time for breaks or gaps in time. That mindset disturbed everything that was once good in my life. Once your rid yourself of a certain standard and trying not to fall into stereotypes, you see things more clearly and you’re more focused. It took me totally walking away from the life I had planned out and lined up, but it was the best decision thus far.